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Ashes To Ashes Half Will Choose Cremation
Answers to the ever-pressing question:
What To Do With Your Cremains?
Boomer Alert:
By 2025, half of us will choose cremation when we die. The
$20-billion funeral business is not happy.
With the average cost of a funeral today about $6,500, not
including plot and headstone, cremation at $500 or less is a
bargain to die for. At least one crematory here in the Tampa
Bay area charges only $345. Of course, you must pick up the
ashes or get charged another $150 for "disposal."
Disposal!
That's the key to cremation.
What happens to the cremains, as the ashes are called, is a
hot topic of conversation in elder circles. I know folks who
have changed their wills a half dozen times just to
accommodate new ideas on the fate of their ashes.
It's wise to stipulate specifics here, or you could end up
where my friend Jack Treadway's dad ended up, rolling around
on the back-seat floor of his son's car. With every start
and stop, Jack's father's urn lurched forward and back
again, daily reminding Jack of the frailty of life and
leaving him wondering why his dad never specified what he
wanted done with his cremains.
Of course,
Jack's an artist and rather odd fellow.
Most of us would have long ago stopped in disgust, dumping
the ashes along a forlorn highway.
Fortunately, most choosing cremation also select a preferred
method of disposal. Popular is the eternal rest in a
columbarium - a fancy word for an often dark, expensive
collection of niches holding urns of ashes - or a place in
the home of a loved one.
Neither appeals to me. Why take up space anywhere? And isn't
forcing a daughter-in-law to dust you once a week insane?
Luckily, today we have many alternatives. New laws often
permit the scattering of cremated remains on the 18th hole
of your favorite golf course, along a beloved national
forest trail, even by fireworks. One Rev. Gordon Bergin had
his ashes placed in a shell that burst into a formation
resembling crosses during his town's holiday fireworks
display.
Urn, Baby, Urn!
Or,
if you yearn for some kind of immortal permanence, your cremains
can be interred in a ceramic baseball, a silver martini shaker,
even an urn in the shape of Elvis' head. Glow-in-the-dark is
extra.
You may even commission an urn that captures the very spirit
of the deceased. Perhaps a tiny La-Z-Boy recliner or a
working clicker? For some odd reason, stone frogs are quite
popular.
A Seattle business can place ashes in glass-blown
paperweights. An Illinois company puts cremains in jewelry.
Diamonds can be made of our carbon-based remains. As can
pencils. Two hundred-forty can be made from an average body,
a lifetime supply of pencils for those left behind.
In short, these days you can do just about anything with
your ashes. (I fancy the idea of having them blown into the
eyes of your enemies.)
It
wasn't always so.
From 1876, when Dr. Julius LeMoyne built the first U.S.
crematory in Washington, Pennsylvania, the practice was
denounced from the pulpit as an affront to the doctrine of
the resurrection of the body, mocked in the press, and
berated by cemetery and funeral home owners.
Cremation was bad for religion and business. Of course,
that's why cremationists relished it.
It wasn't until the 1960s that cremation gained acceptance
from mainstream Christians and nonorthodox Jews. Today,
cremation's popularity varies from state to state, with
Hawaii (58.5 percent) and Nevada (56.5 percent) at the top,
Mississippi (5.1 percent) and West Virginia (5.5 percent) at
the bottom.
Granny In Your Eyes
These
days, even Fluffy and Spot get the hot-body treatment. Cost:
$80 to $200, depending on the size of the pet. The most
popular urn sold holds a photograph of the animal,
presumably taken while it was still alive.
Burial at sea, by ship or aircraft, may be the most
romanticized treatment for cremains. Take care, or the wind
will blow Granny right back into your face.
As for me, I'm still considering what to have done with my
ashes.
Back in the 60s, I thought it would be cool to have my
friends smoke my cremains - mixed with their favorite
illegal substance, of course. Unfortunately, most are now
dead, and none still smokes.
I'd have them scattered across my garden, from my yacht, or
used as kitty litter for my cat. But I have none of those.
So...
Ideas anyone?
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